After a weekend of celebration, a lot of sweets, and a ton of salt, I stepped on the scale this morning to meet my fate...not so good. I'm up nearly 9 pounds! I'm upset, emotional, and just pain angry with myself for letting that number on the scale get this out of control. To top it off, my fingers are swollen, my belly is bloated, and I feel extremely lethargic and lazy.
I want to blame the world for my weight gain. I want to blame Fay for only gaining a pound. I want to blame my summer biochemistry teacher for making me stress out so much. I want to blame my friends for bringing over fattening treats and sweets this past weekend. I want to blame Dairy Queen for making such an addictive ice cream cake. I want to blame the Capital Grille for bringing me a piece of their flourless chocolate cake last night in honor of my birthday. And I want to blame my parents for giving me these genes. But I can't...nobody force fed me...nobody told me to keep all of the party leftovers. Nobody else ordered that ice cream cake.
In fact, at this very moment, I am thinking about all of the leftover goodies in the fridge. What treat will I have next, what leftover concoction should I put together for breakfast? Should I have one last piece of cheesecake before the leftovers are trashed, or should I dig into that blueberry goat cheese log and have it with a side of crackers for a quick breakfast before school. (Of course I'll add a side of fruit to it to make it seem healthier). At least the leftovers from last night's dinner are a bit healthier. I won't toss those out.
Why do I still struggle with this weight issue? I thought I would have mastered maintenance by now. I hate how this feels. I want to get up every morning to see 145-150 on the scale and 150-155 at night. I want to be normal, just like every thin person out there. I want to have a party and know that I can control my willpower and not slip back into my old habits. However, right now I'm feeling weak and vulnerable, and although I care...there's a part of me that really doesn't give a shit and wants to just eat!
Now I know there will be people that read this blog and then tell me that it's ok...I've gotten too thin and I needed to gain a few pounds anyway. That's bullshit! I'm not too thin. According to every chart out there, I'm completely healthy and a perfect weight for my body. Yes, I'm very thin compared to the person that you've known for nearly 30 years, but I'm not TOO thin! The people that make these comments are typically the people that struggle with the same issues and the comments allow them to justify their own weight battles and failures. (Sorry if I've offended anyone, but I'm just being honest).
In reality, I'm not as worried about the actual weight gain as I am worried about the domino effect that this small weight gain and my current attitude toward food will create. I've had this "I don't care what I eat" attitude about food lately that is scaring the crap out of me. I don't want to be 277 pounds again!
I keep thinking that I'm ready for summer school to be over. That I'm ready to go on vacation to enjoy a relaxing week with Fay. But is that really going to help me? I'll deal with the same issues that I'm dealing with at this very moment...probably worse. I'll be on vacation! I'll be around mixed drinks and amazing food, and parties! The weight gain will simply continue if I don't deal with my lack of willpower now.
The worst part....I teach a class at the YMCA on Healthy Living A-Z. I teach my class members the tricks and tips that worked for me during my weight loss. I'm held up on this pedestal in my class, but I shouldn't be. I'm still not "cured"! I didn't win any weight loss battle. I still fight the same battle that I did when I was 277 pounds, and it's even worse now, because I have to eat even less food to maintain my weight loss than I did back then to lose the weight. I am constantly reminding myself of my own tips and tricks to keep the weight off, although I've been ignoring myself lately. In fact, I'm beginning to feel like a hypocrite, because I teach my class how to avoid temptation, but I can't stay away from the damn ice cream cake and leftover coconut cookies myself.
This pattern has to change. If I can't control the urges, I need to march downstairs right now and throw out anything that I can't weigh, or measure. If I can't count the the fat, or calorie content of an item, it needs to be tossed. So why am I still sitting here? Why isn't the food in the trash yet? Why can't I part with things that are so bad for me? Better yet, why can't I keep the food in the house, but limit my intake?
Well, I have to get going...I think I've done enough venting for one morning. Off to yet another fun summer school class. I know I will get through this. I've seen that number on the scale before and I've felt this weak before. I'm sure that the food will get tossed tonight and the ice cream cake will go into the trash as soon as I get downstairs. I just wish maintenance were an easier process.
To those that are fighting this battle with me...we will win and be better for it, but I understand your struggles. It's not easy. I wish I could tell you that it will be extremely easy when you hit your goal weight, but I can't. What I can tell you, however, is that the "out of control" moments will get easier to notice and control...but they will still happen.