After a weekend of celebration, a lot of sweets, and a ton of salt, I stepped on the scale this morning to meet my fate...not so good. I'm up nearly 9 pounds! I'm upset, emotional, and just pain angry with myself for letting that number on the scale get this out of control. To top it off, my fingers are swollen, my belly is bloated, and I feel extremely lethargic and lazy.
I want to blame the world for my weight gain. I want to blame Fay for only gaining a pound. I want to blame my summer biochemistry teacher for making me stress out so much. I want to blame my friends for bringing over fattening treats and sweets this past weekend. I want to blame Dairy Queen for making such an addictive ice cream cake. I want to blame the Capital Grille for bringing me a piece of their flourless chocolate cake last night in honor of my birthday. And I want to blame my parents for giving me these genes. But I can't...nobody force fed me...nobody told me to keep all of the party leftovers. Nobody else ordered that ice cream cake.
In fact, at this very moment, I am thinking about all of the leftover goodies in the fridge. What treat will I have next, what leftover concoction should I put together for breakfast? Should I have one last piece of cheesecake before the leftovers are trashed, or should I dig into that blueberry goat cheese log and have it with a side of crackers for a quick breakfast before school. (Of course I'll add a side of fruit to it to make it seem healthier). At least the leftovers from last night's dinner are a bit healthier. I won't toss those out.
Why do I still struggle with this weight issue? I thought I would have mastered maintenance by now. I hate how this feels. I want to get up every morning to see 145-150 on the scale and 150-155 at night. I want to be normal, just like every thin person out there. I want to have a party and know that I can control my willpower and not slip back into my old habits. However, right now I'm feeling weak and vulnerable, and although I care...there's a part of me that really doesn't give a shit and wants to just eat!
Now I know there will be people that read this blog and then tell me that it's ok...I've gotten too thin and I needed to gain a few pounds anyway. That's bullshit! I'm not too thin. According to every chart out there, I'm completely healthy and a perfect weight for my body. Yes, I'm very thin compared to the person that you've known for nearly 30 years, but I'm not TOO thin! The people that make these comments are typically the people that struggle with the same issues and the comments allow them to justify their own weight battles and failures. (Sorry if I've offended anyone, but I'm just being honest).
In reality, I'm not as worried about the actual weight gain as I am worried about the domino effect that this small weight gain and my current attitude toward food will create. I've had this "I don't care what I eat" attitude about food lately that is scaring the crap out of me. I don't want to be 277 pounds again!
I keep thinking that I'm ready for summer school to be over. That I'm ready to go on vacation to enjoy a relaxing week with Fay. But is that really going to help me? I'll deal with the same issues that I'm dealing with at this very moment...probably worse. I'll be on vacation! I'll be around mixed drinks and amazing food, and parties! The weight gain will simply continue if I don't deal with my lack of willpower now.
The worst part....I teach a class at the YMCA on Healthy Living A-Z. I teach my class members the tricks and tips that worked for me during my weight loss. I'm held up on this pedestal in my class, but I shouldn't be. I'm still not "cured"! I didn't win any weight loss battle. I still fight the same battle that I did when I was 277 pounds, and it's even worse now, because I have to eat even less food to maintain my weight loss than I did back then to lose the weight. I am constantly reminding myself of my own tips and tricks to keep the weight off, although I've been ignoring myself lately. In fact, I'm beginning to feel like a hypocrite, because I teach my class how to avoid temptation, but I can't stay away from the damn ice cream cake and leftover coconut cookies myself.
This pattern has to change. If I can't control the urges, I need to march downstairs right now and throw out anything that I can't weigh, or measure. If I can't count the the fat, or calorie content of an item, it needs to be tossed. So why am I still sitting here? Why isn't the food in the trash yet? Why can't I part with things that are so bad for me? Better yet, why can't I keep the food in the house, but limit my intake?
Well, I have to get going...I think I've done enough venting for one morning. Off to yet another fun summer school class. I know I will get through this. I've seen that number on the scale before and I've felt this weak before. I'm sure that the food will get tossed tonight and the ice cream cake will go into the trash as soon as I get downstairs. I just wish maintenance were an easier process.
To those that are fighting this battle with me...we will win and be better for it, but I understand your struggles. It's not easy. I wish I could tell you that it will be extremely easy when you hit your goal weight, but I can't. What I can tell you, however, is that the "out of control" moments will get easier to notice and control...but they will still happen.
I think that being fat is like being an alcoholic - you might not have had a drink for 10 years, but that doesn't mean you can go to a bar or have "just one" and be all right. I have full confidence that you'll get back on the horse and back to where you want to be - but I'm not sure it will ever be "easy" for you (or me, or anybody else in our family, or anybody else who has been overweight for any length of time). I know I'm better than I was (though not as thin as you've gotten!) but every day is still a struggle. And you're right about the "too thin" comments - it's b.s. There is such a thing as too thin, and if you talked about losing another 20 or 30 pounds I might worry, but you don't "need" to gain any weight to be healthy. Sadly, in our society you look very thin, but that has more to do with how common it is for people in this country to be overweight than it has to do with you. Those are my 2 cents.
ReplyDeleteOh Rachel. This is so timely girl! I am staring at the numbers the same as you and am trying to blame everything outside myself. It totally sucks. 30 years of habits are very hard to undo in two years. We are literally dealing with the sand struggle. I don't have advice, I wish I did because them I could fix myself. I keep trying to read motivational quotes, look at marathon pictures and just remember how friggin amazing it feels to be one healthy, sexy woman. Unfortunately, the food addiction is strong and tries to trick us into thinking the food feels better at the moment than our sexy selves. Girl, I am thinking of you
ReplyDeleteRachel.... I completely understand your struggles, more or less. I almost got to goal before I got married. I however did it for the wrong reasons...to look like the "normal thin girl." I did not want to be a FAT bride. And losing the weight made me feel a little more confident that I could handle food. But I slowly slipped back into the patterns that I had before. Life got in the way...motherhood....college...full time work.... and I gained it back plus more. I have always hidden behind this large person and I admire you for striving towards that goal to be a healthier YOU! I believe in you and have faith that you on this journey will have ups and downs....like in a relationship. But I know you will win this battle because it starts with an attitide of success...and you my sister, have that. You encourage me to not give up, as I had in the past (after 2 kids) and a bulging belly. Keep on keeping on, and forgive yourself! Every minute is a new start. Food is a comfort..yes...but in the end I find it leaves me feeling empty...just the opposite of what I imagined it would make me feel. So, because of you I have re-joined Weight Watchers, track my every bite (even the slip-ups),am aware of trying to become healthier, and hope one day I can gain control instead the food controlling me. Remember the setbacks are actually set-ups for future successes! Lean on the ones who love you! I Love ya...Kim
ReplyDeleteI get a lot of what you're saying. The feeling of spiraling out of control. The potential intent to keep freefalling. But what I don't get is the "I'm up 9 lbs" for a weekend of indulgence. That means you ate almost 32,000 extra calories over the weekend...really?
ReplyDeleteOne of the things that separates us from the naturally skinny folks is that they self correct after such indulgences. We tend to beat ourselves up and then continue to flog ourselves with more bad choices. So, drink the water, up the protein, ratchet back the simple carbs and that 9 lbs will mostly go away.
Thank you for your honesty. As someone who is just starting out on the weight loss journey and reading LOTS of weight loss blogs, it's refreshing to see one where people tell you "this isn't easy" or "I'm not perfect, I still can gain pounds" - most people seem to gloss over that part.
ReplyDeleteI wish you well.