Anxiety and Vitamins

After a great weekend with friends and a fun chocolate party on Tuesday night, I thought I was heading in the right direction. Apparently it was simply a 7-day break, because today I feel edgy, exhausted, tense, and out-of-sorts. Maybe it's hormones, the doctor's appointment I had this morning, or the anticipation of my first internship meeting tomorrow. Regardless of the cause, I hate feeling this way. I am also craving chocolate and tortilla chips. I even skipped the pool today, which was probably my worst mistake made. The pool relaxes me and helps my tight muscles and sore joints. I'm already paying for the missed swim this evening. I also didn't do my evening stretches last night. Instead, I collapsed on the bed in exhaustion after a late evening out.

With all of the stress, I'm amazed that I've managed to maintain my weight. I go up and down 5 pounds every couple of weeks, but I seem to stay within that range. I just fear that I'm getting too comfortable, because my snacks are more frequent and often involve some type of dark chocolate. Perhaps I should go a week without any type of sugar to see how I feel.

Fay suggested I try this new supplement called Lumiday. I has amazing reviews.  It's full of B-complex vitamins, Vitamin D, St. John's Wort, and a few other anxiety-easing/mood-boosting herbs. We ordered a sample bottle, but after using Lexapro, I have tremendous pill anxiety. I took it with me to my Dr's appointment this morning to get her suggestion. She suggested I try it, but to only take one capsule a day instead of two for now.  St. John's Wart is apparently similar SSRI drugs like Lexapro, so she suggested I gradually adjust to it's effects. Since I'm not much of a drinker, I avoid caffeine, I don't smoke, and I hate recreational and pharmaceutical drugs, I am looking for a natural way to elevate my mood in addition to the current swimming, reading, and stretching/meditation routine. Does anyone else have experience with this mutli-vitamin? If so, I want your feedback.

I also started taking Omega-3 Fish Oil capsules. Omega-3 is not only proven to thin blood, reduce inflammation, and improve heart health, it also helps anxiety and depression by reducing inflammation in the brain. Unfortunately, I haven't taken it long enough, or religiously enough to notice a difference. Coincidentally, I did not take it yesterday, or the day before, and yesterday is when this anxiety began. So, I stocked up today. I'm curious to see what happens if I take it regularly twice a day. TBD!

Please feel free to post suggestions, and ideas for vitamins. What works for you? Have you had experience with any of the Vitamins listed above? I've never been a big fan of vitamins, because they are not regulated by the FDA, but I'm open to holistic/natural herbs and vitamins that have positive effects on anxiety and depression. The vitamin research has begun!! I will post my research finds as I come across them.

Freeing Pleasures

To heal, I am finding activities that bring me pleasure, freeing my mind and body from pain, and keeping me from chocolate and ice cream self-sabatoge.  My list so far...

1) Swimming - As a water sign, I feel most at peace when I am in or near water. This week I swam every day. I wish I could live in water.

2) Swinging - Oh, to fly with the birds! I've had dreams since I was little about flying. Tonight as I walked around the neighborhood, I took a detour to the swing set. I broke the rules about no adults on the swings and regretted nothing. As I flew through the air I felt this happiness wash over me and endorphins ease pain. I plan to swing again tomorrow!

3) Reading - My mind is transported and freed from my physical state while reading. I read happy books and books that make me think more about life and the amazing things life has to offer. I also read books about finding inner peace. These books put things into prospective and calm me.

4) Walking barefoot in the grass - I got this idea from a good friend.  Walking barefoot in grass makes me feel grounded and connected with Earth and Mother Nature. I am able to let go knowing that there is a greater plan and I will heal in time.

5) Talking with Fay - We can sometimes have an entire conversation without speaking a word. Other times we can go deep into conversation about life and random other things and my troubles are put on hold for those few moments.

6) Laughing and Smiling - It's difficult to worry and feel pain when you are bubbling over with giggles or smiling. Sometimes when I am alone in my car and feel pain or anxiety I just smile.  While it doesn't permanently fix anything, for that moment I feel endorphins work and my negative attitude change.

7) Writing - My cleansing process, my therapy, and my creative outlet all wrapped into one little package. I can express myself and let go of built up pain and emotions through writing and hopefully help others along the way.

8) Spending Time with Friends - My closest friend just returned from Israel and I had the opportunity to spend a few moments with her earlier today.  I was amazed by how elevated my mood was after our conversation.  I can't wait to see her again tomorrow.

9) My Family - Although my Mom is typically my go-to therapist outside of therapy and my best friend, my Dad has also been there to calm me during some of my most emotional phone calls home. And my sister, Sara, gives the best calming hugs!!

10) Phone Conversations with Emma and Hannah - I was having a down moment yesterday and called my parents. When Dad picked up the phone I heard my nieces in the background. Suddenly I was distracted by a discussion with Hannah about her field trip with Grandpa. Then I laughed out loud when I heard Emma yelling hello in the background. My down moment quickly went away.

11) Trips to New Hope - Fay and I went to New Hope last weekend and had an amazing time. We spent the entire day there and I nearly felt like my old self again.

12) Shopping - I get this from my mom. Retail therapy always eases pain and it forces me to walk around and get a little exercise.

13) Cooking - Although I don't always have the energy to cook, the moments that I do are so enjoyable.  I've had fun making lunch the past few days and finding ways to pack tons of healing nutrients into each dish.

14) Saturday mornings at the Farmers Market - I love waking in town with Fay to find healthy treats to bring home. I even like the unhealthy treats, too.

15) Sleeping - Sleep is healing and I wake up refreshed each morning, ready to take on the new day. Each day is a new opportunity for healing and finding new freeing pleasures.

16) Evening Stretching and Meditation - This evening ritual has saved me from my typical nightmares, calmed my TMJ, and allowed me to sleep through the night painlessly.

17) Hot Showers - The combination of heat, water, and massage makes the shower the perfect place to relax and stretch. I love a nice shower after an hour at the pool.

18) Bird Watching - My neighbor just purchased a bird feeder. I find it relaxing to sit outside and watch the birds come and go. Their lives are so simple and peaceful and they are so beautiful to watch.

19) Blowing Bubbles - Although I haven't done this yet this summer, we gave out bubbles at my graduation celebration and I plan to play with the leftovers all summer long. One of my favorite memories is watching my Dad blow bubbles with Hannah while she chased them as they danced above her head.

20) "Simsalabim Music" (as Fay likes to call it) - At nighttime I turn on meditation music and find myself drifting peacefully to sleep. I think she enjoys unwinding to it as well.

I plan to add to this list over the next few months as I find more "freeing pleasures." Feel free to leave your suggestions as well!!

Believing is Seeing

Some of you are going to think I've lost my mind and others may completely understand where I'm coming from....

When I was at the hospital a few weeks back for one of my many recent tests, the registrar checking us in looked at me and asked me a question that caught me off guard. She said, "I noticed in our system that you are listed as being of the Jewish faith. In case of a serious life-threatening emergency and we have to admit you, should we call a Rabbi to your bedside?" I looked at her for a moment a bit dumbfounded. I was not prepared for a question like this, so I responded with the following, "I am Jewish by birth and tradition and spiritual by choice.  I'm not picky. If a priest, a rabbi, and an Imaam are all available that day, I want them all in my room praying for my health. God is God in all religions and I'm sure any one of them will be able to help me." 

As I mentioned above, by birth and tradition I consider myself Jewish. I grew up in a Jewish household, was Bat Mitzvah'd, confirmed, and married under a Chuppah (the first time around), and continue to participate in Jewish meals and traditions with my family. Still, I never really felt a connection with God or spirituality.  In fact, I both envied friends and family that could and thought they were a bit nutty at the same time. My science-and-math-peer-reviewed-journal-article-mind was convinced that "seeing was believing," not the other way around. I didn't understand how praying to God and Angels would help me, since I couldn't prove that they existed. And as a reformed Jew who studied the Torah, but couldn't understand a lick of it, I didn't even know that Judaism believed in Angels until a few months ago. 

I ridicule people who have so much faith in something they cannot see. People put so much of their energy into prayer and healing, yet do little to fix the problems they are fully capable of fixing on their own (like losing weight). I've seen people pray for willpower, weight loss, and low blood pressure and then sit down to a plate full of fried chicken. It baffles me. But what if they really do see something that we don't? What if spirituality keeps them mentally stable? What if prayer brings them closer to God and gives them hope? What if this mental stability and hope helps them heal when they need it most? Now, I'm not saying that everyone should go out and pray for health while eating Twinkies. Obviously a bit of balance is required, but wouldn't it be interesting to discover that the single depressed atheist stressing about eating healthy and staying thin is just as likely to die from a stress-induced illness as the spiritual fat chick that prays for healing and fills her weekends eating fried chicken at church socials with her family?  Perhaps a combination of healthier eating and spirituality would make us all healthier in a more holistic way.

It's amazing what dealing with chronic pain has opened my mind to. I spent three years losing and maintaining a 125-pounds weight loss, obsessing over school grades, and stressing about an internship. And after all of that hard work and a diploma to boot, I am more miserable and unhealthier than ever. Granted, my blood work is immaculate and I am grateful for the weight loss, because the physical stuff would be twice as difficult to deal with 125 pounds heavier, but the situation still baffles me. I wish I had opened my mind to alternative medicines, spirituality, and faith a long time ago. I pushed aside ideas that weren't scientifically proven, including Reiki, Ayurvedic beliefs, and other forms of preventative medicine. When we talk about wellness we focus on eating and exercise, but it is so much more than that! It's mental sanity, faith, social relationships, physical health, creative expression...the list goes on. 

Through this journey, Fay has been my angel. She has opened my eyes to the "power of mind" and believing in myself and things beyond my scientific comprehension. Although not always pleasant, I truly feel that the place I am now is exactly where I'm meant to be. It gives me an opportunity to grow. I am opening up spiritually and since doing so, have witnessed so many amazing things, although the skeptics out there might call them coincidences. To me, there are no coincidences. Things happen for reasons that are not yet known to us.  Faith and my newly found connection to God has helped me keep my spirits up even when it would be easiest to give up and throw in the towel. 

Over the past few weeks I have read numerous books and articles on the power of healing and ways to overcome pain and depression in natural ways through meditation, food, socializing, visualization, etc. I have met some incredible people since opening myself up to this new world of faith and spirituality. I even met the spiritual leader Maya Tiwari, an Ayurveda pioneer and cancer survivor who has helped thousands to heal from devastating disorders.  I had the opportunity to watch her speak at the Sama Center in West Chester last week and I was amazed by her energy and love for all. And today, after spending time alone reading, soaking up some sun, and working out in the pool, I have a very neat experience.  

I was on the way home from the pool and saw this tiny yard sale on the side of the road; one that I had seen on my way to the pool earlier that morning. I had no intention of stopping, because I knew I had no money to spend. However, at the very last moment, I felt myself pulling over on the side of the road. I parked, put my blinkers on, and got out of the car. I walked up to the table and looked around, finding nothing of interest. As I turned around to head back to my car, I stopped. Something caught my eye. I looked down and found what looked like a game board set, a card set, and a CD with the word "Angel" on all three. When I took a closer look, I noticed that these were Angel guidance cards and when I opened the box, the first thing I saw was "I am exactly where I need to be at this moment." If any of you have been following my Facebook page, you will know that I posted this quote earlier this morning. I looked at the girl selling the items and asked her where they came from. She said that her mother had been dealing with pain and depression and found these to be healing and helpful. She has no need for them anymore so decided to part ways with them. I asked how much they were. She said the set was $10. Although I was convinced I had nothing in my wallet, I opened it to find $7.50. She took the money without hesitation and wished me healing. 

I stand corrected....believing is seeing! I apologize to the people that I laughed at for being so "overly faithful" and I apologize to the "natural healers" out there that I mocked. Even if it turns out that our beliefs in the unseen are not actually what we think they are, the connection to this world gives us an undeniable power and strength to do anything we want. The power is within each of us to eat healthy, exercise, form relationships, create, live, and even heal. I cannot wait to share the experiences I have with my new yard sale treasure. God bless everyone...even the non-believers! 

Chapter 2: Healing

I know it's been a while since I've posted on here. I've missed keeping you up to date on everything going on, but it has been hard to motivate others, because I feel rather unmotivated myself. You see, in December I had a minor back injury that has turned into a five-month journey in never ending pain, discomfort, anxiety, and depression.

Right before Christmas, I was at a party socializing, eating, drinking, and having a great time. By the end of the evening, my back was tight, I was uncomfortable, and when we got home, I couldn't move. My lower back was in agony and I spent the next two days immobile on the bed with my knees propped, icing my back every 20 minutes. After two days I started to move again. My primary care doctor said it was just a muscle strain, not to worry about herniations, and that everything would get better with time a some physical therapy. With a lot of discomfort, I made it down to MD to see my family for the holidays. I even started feeling a bit better during those couple of days, but when I returned to PA, I got sick with some type of cold or virus. Although I could move again, the back pain got worse.

I saw the PT for a few weeks, but nothing seemed to get better. The added stresses of a trip to the Finger Lakes, a school trip to Europe, internship interviews, the final semester, and graduation simply made everything worse: my pain, anxiety, and depression. I saw a Chiropractor for a few weeks, and although he helped a bit with the lower back, my upper back got extremely tight. I also saw a massage therapist who helped to relieve anxiety and some muscle tension, but I often wound up hurting worse a couple of days later.

School was the biggest challenge, because I sat in a classroom for hours on end. The pain and discomfort made me cross-eyed at points, but I fought through it the best I could. Although I made it to classes, I stopped volunteering everywhere, and gave up my part time class at the YMCA. I almost cancelled my school trip to Europe, but after seeing a new PT who helped loosen some upper back muscles, I decided to go. Although the trip was amazing, there is a part of me that regrets going, because the travel was long and non-stop. We traveled by plane, train, and automobile, which probably made things even worse. I lived on high doses of Motrin and red wine the entire time. On the last day of my trip, the depression and anxiety got the best of me. I spent my last day in Florence in tears and indulged in a little retail therapy. While the shopping was a good distraction, on the way back from Italy, I had an anxiety attack in the London-Heathrow Airport and barely made it on the plane.

After my return from Europe, I tried a couple of different muscle relaxants and pain meds, all of which made me a bit uncomfortable and even more anxious. I couldn't function on half of them and the other half made me feel like I was on speed.

After seeing a pain specialist, I had MRI's done of my lumbar and thoracic spine and we found four herniations...two in each. I met with the pain doctor who discussed a thousand different treatment options. Overwhelmed by everything, I had yet another anxiety attack and spent the next 15 minutes laid out on the table in his office. Unfortunately, Fay was in Orlando at the time, so it was just me. I pulled myself together, decided to not make any rash decisions at the time, and headed home.

That weekend, I tried Ultram....a pain drug that most people can tolerate. The first day was fine...I just felt a bit Euphoric. However, the second day I felt like I was on opiods and started itching everywhere. I stopped the meds cold turkey after 48 hours. It just so happened that the Sunday evening I stopped taking the Ultram I found out about my Dietetic Internship placement. After waiting over an hour to find out where I was heading for my internship, the results were in: Sodexo. I was so relieved and excited that I was staying local and got the internship that truly made me happiest. But the flood of emotions was overwhelming, especially since I was coming down from a slight "opiod" high. Monday morning I wound up in the ER with the biggest anxiety attack of my life. I was weak, shaking, disoriented, and scared. The doctor took my vitals and assured me everything was fine, although he bedside manner left much to be desired. That afternoon, I visited my primary care doctor once again and she discussed a few treatment options for the anxiety and depression. First she recommended therapy, which I absolutely agreed with. Second, we agreed that I would start taking Lexapro, but only long enough to get me through some of the anxiety until the therapy started helping.

Following my visit to her office, I went to therapy the next day (Tuesday) and took my first Lexapro. The next 48 hours would be the worst of my life. I took two pills (10 mg each). By Thursday I felt like I was on speed, or acid, and had symptoms flu (minus the temperature) all at the same time. Although the anxiety was less, I felt like I was going to die. I stopped taking the meds  right away. Although I felt slightly better that Friday, by Friday night I began having the worst tension headaches in the world...like someone was grabbing the back of my neck, wrapping their fingers around my throat and squeezing my head in. As someone who has never had a headache in her life, this was very new and scary to me. These lasted for about a week and I still get them every now and then nearly two months later, although not as severe.

The worst part of everything is that when I called my primary care doctor to find out why I had such a bad reaction to the Lexapro, she told me that I needed a psychiatrist. She was convinced it was all in my head and didn't want to deal with it anymore by the way she was talking. I was very hurt and felt betrayed.

Since then, I have developed neuropathy in my legs, arms, back, neck, and face....like scratching, burning, and pins-and-needle feelings. It's worse toward the evening. I sleep well, which is wonderful, but the discomfort in the evening leaves me feeling very depressed and frustrated. The worst is the weakness and tension I feel in my upper back and abdomen and the constant cracking in my upper back. This was happening before the pain meds, but seems to have gotten worse since taking them.

After developing pelvic pain, I had a pelvic exam done and everything was fine. Last Monday I had a colonoscopy, which had been schedule over a year ago, and that turned out fine as well.

I changed pain doctors and had a clear neck and brain MRI ruling out MS and some other serious conditions. This pain doctor is not convinced that everything is happening as a result of herniations, however. He thinks there might be something else underlying everything. On his suggestion I saw a new primary care doctor who ruled out Rheumetoid Arthritis, Lyme Disease, and Vitamin D and B12 deficiencies. I also saw a neurologist who thought I might have fibromyalgia, so he sent me to a Rheumatologist who doesn't think I have fibro and thinks I have a combination of muscle tension, nerve issues, and anxiety/dperession, all circling around exacerbating everything.

At this point, I'm at a loss! I go from smiles to tears in the matter of seconds. I spent my entire graduation with family, but honestly wanted to be at home curled up on my bed. I had tremendous anxiety throughout the entire graduation ceremony, then spent the next two hours with jitters, as if someone had filled me up with caffeine.

Meanwhile, my partner has been nothing but amazing. She is my angel and has been there with me through everything. She helped me fight through the pain and discomfort to finish school and she goes with me to nearly every doctor's appointment.

I am frustrated, because after losing all of this weight, I am suffering from something far more uncomfortable than an added 125 pounds. Apparently the herniations and bursitis I am experiencing on my right thigh were caused by my previous obesity, so take the weight off now to prevent future damage down the road everyone! High blood pressure has nothing on this pain and discomfort.

Reshaping Rachel has been all about "reshaping" my diet and exercise routine. However, it's time to reshape my spirit, mind, and soul. Over the past month, I started an evening stretching and relaxation ritual by candle light. I have also read "Mind Over Medicine" by Lissa Rankin, which I found to be very motivational and gave me an entirely new prospective on the wellness and healing process with little emphasis on drug therapy. I also started swimming and signed up for a few aquatic classes this summer. I am looking into acupuncture, Reiki and other forms of non-Western healing medicine. In addition, I'd like to learn more about the Ayurvedic Diet. Up until now, everything I have done has been based on Western medicine and research studies in scientific journals. However, that has led me to a self-diagnosis of cancer, MS, Fibromyalgia, liver failure, etc. The hypochondriac in me is exhausted. It's time to take a more holistic approach and open my eyes and mind to things I had previously closed them to.

While I begin Chapter 2 in my Reshaping Rachel journey, please feel free to post comments, ideas, and wellness tips. I plan to try new things and then blog about them. I will also continue to keep my weight off and stay as active as I can, hopefully motivating others to do the same.

Hold on people...this may be a bumpy ride!!

Reshaping Rachel Exercise Challenge

Hello Everyone!! Hopefully by now you have visited my NEW Reshaping Rachel Facebook page! Everyday I post recipes, quiz questions, and nutrition information. The biggest news is the upcoming ReshapingRachel Exercise Challenge!!

Sign up for the ReshapingRachel Exercise Contest here!.

Details are posted there. If you are interested in joining, find us on Facebook and sign up there. I will then send you the exercise and tracking forms you will need to participate.

I hope to see many of you participating and look forward to a fun event. The contest will take place during the first week of March. A nutrition/exercise prize pack will be awarded to the winner!!

Thank you for visiting! Reshape your mind, health, and body one bite and one step at a time!

Don't Believe It Until You See It

A quick lesson for everyone that takes nutrition labels as fact. Don't! Make sure to have your handy dandy scale out so you are not consuming more calories than expected.

Take Special K Popcorn Chips for instance. When I looked at the nutrition label in the store, it said I could eat a serving of 28 chips for only 120 calories. Although I don't often snack on prepackaged foods, I thought I would buy these for a quick, easy, and somewhat healthier snack choice to help me avoid unhealthier alternatives. Compared to the other chips and crackers in the aisle, which quoted five to ten chips for the same calorie count and a lot more sodium, I though this was a great choice.

Yesterday, while I was home sick with way too much time on my hands and nothing else to do, I decided to weigh out one serving to see if it actually gave me 28 chips. Most chip and cracker portions are measured at an ounce. Since the label on the front of the box read 4.5 oz and the number of servings in the box was "about 4.5," it made sense that a one ounce portion would hold true for these as well. I zeroed out my scale and began placing one chip at a time on top. 

It turns out that you do not get 28 chips per serving.  You only get 19-20 chips, which means that if you ate 28 chips, you would consume almost an additional 60 calories. For those following Weight Watchers, that's at least an additional point. For those counting calories, those extra eight chips are equivalent to a small apple, or a small whole wheat tortilla, both of which have much greater nutritional benefits. Which would you rather have?

Some of you may think this is a little picky, or extreme -- and I admit, being home sick has made me search for random things to do with my time -- however, how many times a day do you find yourself eating these added calories? Do you reach for a large banana and only count it as a medium? Do you fill your bowl with pasta and count it as one cup instead of the two cups it actually is? If you do the pasta bit...and many of us do...that's an added 200 calories per day. Even if you ate an added 100 calories per day, over the course of one year, you would gain 10 pounds, unless of course you're burning an additional 100 calories per day at the gym.

Just a little food for thought.  My advice? Dust off that scale and keep it on your counter and never believe label portion sizes. Are there any "food label traps" that you have fallen into?

Back for a Healthy New Year

Happy New Year everyone! I know it's been a few months since my last post. Life is crazy and wonderful. First, I am excited to report that I finished the Fall semester with a 4.0.  I am also busy volunteering and educating long term care residents at Barclay Friends in West Chester, volunteering and shadowing the Clinical Nutrition Manager at Phoenixville Hospital, working with the West Chester University Dietitian to promote healthier eating on campus, fundraising for Healthy Kids Day at the YMCA, attending dietetic internship open houses, and creating my online application for a 2013-2014 internship program. In between all of these activities I planned and executed a successful Chanukah party, enjoyed the holidays back home with my family in Maryland, slowly recovered from a back injury that had me laid up for nearly a week, attended numerous holiday and football parties, and enjoyed a little down time with Fay. The good news? My life is full and amazing. The bad news? I haven't seen a gym for months, I'm up 15 pounds since June, and a combination of back pain and fear of failure has made cravings for sugar and chocolate even stronger. 

I guess this is what you call maintenance. Finding that balance between social living and healthy living is a struggle. The weight loss was the easy part. I'm proud to say that I'm still under my Weight Watchers goal of 164 pounds and I've kept the weight off for nearly two years, but  to gain 15 pounds in less than a year after having such a successful weight loss and inspiring so many people makes me feel somewhat like a failure. My jeans are tight, my two favorite jackets barely close, and my midriff is back in full frontal exposure so I constantly find myself pulling at clingy shirts and sweaters. 

I admit...this year was overwhelming. I took on a lot of new projects and assignments and I put school, work, and resume building before my health. I also chose time with friends, food, and TV over going to the gym. 

My upcoming Spring graduation has also affected my weight. When I first enrolled in school, I thought that obtaining a degree in Nutrition and Dietetics would symbolize the end to my weight struggles. I would be the expert...the thin, healthy, attractive Registered Dietitian that everyone wanted to see, because I was "cured" from the obesity disease that so many people struggle with. However, I'm not "cured". Last June, at 148 pounds, I looked in the mirror and still saw the body damage from my previous "fat" life. I thought by losing even more weight, I would see less of the bumps, stretch marks, and flab. I had it in my head that I would get to 140 pounds and all of the damage would disappear. Although I never made it to 140 pounds, I realized that without surgery, the damage would never disappear and I was eating so little to lose the weight that I was having difficulties functioning at school and home. So, I decided to eat more. I was so disappointed by my "failure" that I kept eating and wound up rebounding big time.  I suppose the bright side of this is that my binges involved healthier foods, but at the end of the day calories are calories. While my professional and school life moved forward, my weight increased. At first it was one or two pounds, and I thought that was ok...a weight in the 150's would be perfect. Then the weight got higher and before I knew it I was approaching 160. I told myself that I was still good, because I was under my Weight Watchers weight. However, when I saw 165 pounds on the scale at the end of the summer, I knew I needed to gain control over the weight before it gained control over me. But how do you gain control back once it's been lost? 

Right before the holidays, I started teaching another Healthy Living A-Z class at the YMCA. In all honestly, I felt like a fake. I was teaching healthy living while I was eating chocolate, drinking wine (no worries...only socially, not in excess) and fighting ice cream temptations at home.  While I lost a few pounds during this class, after the class was over, I put the weight right back on during the last month of the semester and throughout the holidays. After a back injury and the inability to get the gym (I like to pretend I would have gone to the gym if I hadn't been injured), I spent two weeks in a post-semester/holiday funk watching Hallmark Christmas movies, and eating an entire box of chocolate Chanukah gelt, a box of chocolate covered orange peels, and a box of chocolate covered orange jellies all by myself.  The "out-of-control" feeling finally hit when I had to squeeze into the gorgeous and expensive jacket I bought last year and dance into my size eight jeans. Although I'm grateful to stop the spiral now, there's a little part of me that hates admitting that I'm not perfect and I wasn't the first to be "cured" of a former obese life. 

I'm not a failure though. There is no "cure" for someone who has lived an obese life. Yes...the weight can come off, but the thoughts and memories remain.  Although my will power is stronger than it was in 2009, I will always struggle with temptation, food choice, and balancing a health life with my social calendar.  Healthy living all comes down to behavior modification: making healthier choices, personal nutrition education, accountability, goal setting, and most importantly, therapy.  I am going to make an amazing dietitian one day. I get it. I've lived it. And I know how to recognize the "out-of-control" feeling. I just need to regain control and start fresh.

Yesterday I was asked to appear on a local Phoenixville TV station to be interviewed about my weight loss and career change. The show will be taped in late Febraury/early March. This gives me a new goal. While I don't want to get back to my smallest weight, I would like to take off 8-10 pounds before the video shoot. I felt healthy at that size and I know I can maintain it. But I also realize that weight fluctuations will happen. I'm only a failure if I let the weight take control of me. As long as I keep things in perspective, get back on the horse when I fall off, and live a healthy and balanced life, I will never fail. 

Fortunately, it's a new year full of new opportunities for healthy living. Every day we are given another chance at life. I am grateful for the many chances I have been given. Today's goal: stick to the basics...healthy food, positive attitude.